Cry to the moon

moonfeather @ 2008-07-20T19:45:00

2008-07-20T07:46:12Z

http://www.furbuy.com/seller/The_Shadow_Cheetah.html

Please by my stuff

moonfeather @ 2008-07-20T16:55:00

2008-07-20T04:57:54Z

Will do commission art for this.

Im not joking! I want this pony so bad!
If you can find x3 even better as Id like one for my housemate and one for my fellow Minty Fan Lopfe'

If you can find X3, I WILL do x1 fullblack character commission artwork, I will pay postage of artwork.

Comment here if you can do this, I will love you forever

moonfeather @ 2008-07-18T16:12:00

2008-07-18T04:13:01Z

If there are one or more people on your friends list who make your world a better place just because they exist, and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the Internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

fun wee thingger a few peoples are doing, ganked from teh Aya-burger.

2008-07-17T04:13:30Z

Ask me one question for each of the following subjects:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Love
4. Art
5. Internet
6. Random

Auctions

2008-07-16T06:11:00Z

HUGE Auction lots going on, I will be posting some tastefuly kinky adult equine stuff

As well as i will be auctioning off two of my actual characters, with several artworks of them, one has concept art too and ill be offering the highest bidder the chance for me to draw a more reccent artwork of thier newly purhased character (If the bid is high enough)

These are all ORIGINAL artworks.
Old art ranging from year 2002 to 2006, money goes to bills.

http://www.furbuy.com/seller/The_Shadow_Cheetah.html

moonfeather @ 2008-07-16T14:04:00

2008-07-16T02:06:37Z

im not going to let this get to me, im just going to relist those original artworks till someone buys them.

Im going to rummage today in between arting, and scan more old art to sell.
If I put enough out there im sure someone will want one or a few people might like them.

*rubs face*

moonfeather @ 2008-07-15T17:35:00

2008-07-15T05:43:29Z

Auctions relisted again.
Thankyou to Nipper for purchasing 'The Riding Instructor'

Money goes towards bills and food.

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004396.html
Eleventyfive is a scientific experiment, a female fennec fox female with cybernetic parts.
This artwork is inked
Size: A3 (two times the size of standard letter)

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004439.html
Original Adult sketch
A4 size
Kitty is all tied up and wanting to play

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004440.html
You are bidding on an Original sketch
A4, Rabbit woman has caught a kitty huntress and decides to teach it a lesson.

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004394.html

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004441.html
You are bidding on an Original artwork
Zaire the Okapi (one of my personal characters)
A4 coloured artwork.

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004442.html
You are bidding on an Original artwork
WildWind (My personal character) Dun pegasus with owl wings
A4 coloured artwork.

http://www.furbid.ws/cgi-bin/auction/item.pl?item=232345859
You are bidding on an Original artwork
A3 peice drawn with ballpoint pen
A cyborg EquineXfeline and her pet critter.

moonfeather @ 2008-07-15T10:53:00

2008-07-14T22:54:22Z

urgh my nausea from the medication is comming back...I dont feel so great.

moonfeather @ 2008-07-15T10:35:00

2008-07-14T22:37:20Z

I feel so ill right now.

I felt SO good today, im finishing up some last few artworks and scanning already finished peices..

then I came home to

a freaking huge bill

ontop of my other bills!

I had everything sorted for this week, bills paid plus spare for food.
im so upset and angry right now.

I try to stop taking commissions and my entire world falls apart.

wtf.

moonfeather @ 2008-07-12T14:47:00

2008-07-12T02:58:06Z

so

tonight is my uncle's 60th and I have been invited along with ArWhrath to the do.
Its at a 'Club' thingger its a buffet with waiters, and we will be seated at the 'family table' which means this is huge.

Im so nervous, this will be the first time my family will meet ArWhrath. Grandad wont be coming, but wants a nice quiet dinner with us some time. kool.

So I took a heap of clothes over to my man's and did some washing and so did he, im still undecided on what to wear..im thinking my cocktail outfit, for special occassions. Ill try get ArWhrath to take a photo.

We will be walking there and my Aunt is shouting a taxi home.

but omg buffet! anyone who knows me, knows I love to eat and food is the perfect thing for black-mailing me lol well, that and toy horses :D

And, because I can eat dairy, im totaly going to go nuts around dessert tme because ohgods im eating stuff that ive never tried before!

Like, cheesecake holywhat I LOVE cheesecake now! I had one slice a few weeks back, and then I bought an entire cheesecake twice in a row and guh.
I want to try chocolate gateu cake and black forest cake. I wanna try cookies and cream ice cream...I tried a rocky road ice cream on a stick and it was like neopolitan nyom!

what else, oh yes! Darebear has been making custard, gods on fire I missed custard!

uhm

since moving house I have gained approx 4cm on my waist and now have boobies that fit my bras, even ArWhrath noticed lmao
I put on this tight-ish long sleeved black top and he looked down and stared, then gave an embarrassed cough. I asked im what, as ive never ever had a guy stare at my ches before.
He had said 'I dont want to offend you at all, but, just..I was wondering..have..they gotten bigger?'

So I looked down and whammo, I was all wtf are those? hehee im still enthralled.
ArWhrath has gotten used to them, but it just cracked me up.

anyhoo Ill let you know how it went :)

no bids or requests?

2008-07-08T23:52:38Z

http://moonfeather.livejournal.com/201321.html

Im selling off my old original art, auctions on furbuy and furbid.
I will be taking photos of the various sketches, linework and coloured peices I want to offer to you guys.

I need the space, need bills to be paid, and the art is just sitting there, I dont want it anymore.

moonfeather @ 2008-07-08T18:20:00

2008-07-08T06:43:08Z

Saturday it snowed.

I called my flatmate to see if any parcels had arrived, my MLP swap pony partner had turned up on my doorstop with a box for me.
I dearly missed my cats.
and so....proceeded to bike home...pushbike..in the snow...from ArWhrath's house.

Worst experience..in..my..life!

I wish I never did that.

I felt faint, like I was gunna vomit, lost feeling in my face and hands/fingers/toes, my lungs hed got cold and my internal heater was turned to 'freeze'.
I kept having to get off my bike and sit in corners...I walked some way..then felt like I was going to pass out again, was shaking badly as if I had low bloodsugar.
I wished so bad that either someone would take me to the hospital or that I hadnt left my cell at home so I could call 911.

Somehow I managed to get home...I thought I wouldnt make it...my flatmate had to take my helmet/gloves/scarf/bag off I stripped to my undies...dashed to the loo but didnt manage to vomit..then went and curled around the underfloor heating and cried for five minutes as my hands began to thaw. Darebear wrapped me in a blanket and made me lifesaving soup.

I had caught a chill. Hour later I felt a bit better and opened the parcel of gifts...it was nice after feeling so beside-myself from pain.

Sunday I biked to ArWhrath's, had a large arguement with his brother about money, ended up shoving poor ArWhrath over as he was trying to make me ignore his brother but I wasnt going to go down without prooving a point.. I was so mad and ArWhrath didnt understand that it wasnt ok and yeah..it was stupid.
I ended up cryng for ten minutes in the garage whilst he tried to console me, I apologised for shoving him and I felt realy bad. He said it was ok and I insisted it wasnt.
He told me he would come over to my place, to give him 3 hours to get ready, he would spend the day with me, take time off course.

4 hours later I called to make sure he was still coming, he was he just suddenly felt ill...told me to wait another hour. I said I waited 4 hours when he'd said 3 and if he was very sick, to stay home. He insisted he was still coming..even though he felt vometus...usualy he wuldnt come over..but I was very suprised and he made the effort.
but
e got the same thing as me when I tried biking in the snow...only the snow had melted and it wasnt even raining..he caught a chill because on the night of the day it snowed..his brother locked him out of the house for two hours...untill he climbed the house and climbed in his other brother's window, waking him up. plus walking outside in barefeet whilst I was crying..I old him he needed socks.

Anyway..he phoned me on his cell as he felt realy bad and stopped by at the 24 bakery.
I biked out to meet him halfway.

We got him over a heater and made him soup...and he thawed out...
So we watched Hellraiser2 then went to bed.
Next day we walked to his place as someone had let out the air in his tyre and he needed to borrow my bike. He went to an appointment to get his prescription for anti smoking patches and gum. Took longer than expected.
For dinner he bought bugers from the chip shop and chocolate cheesecake..omg it was good.
We watched The Dark Crystal (he'd never seen it) and it was still freaking scary, and watched The Onion movie..wtf movie lol.

Had nice snuggling partner time, it was lovely.

ArWhrath still felt ill today so didnt go to course today either, as hes still smoking he feels even worse as he has to smoke outside in the cold.

We are going to have pigs in a blanket for dinner. (Sausages in bread with melty cheese) and possibly some minute noodles. Suprisingly tastey.

Im going to go draw for a bit now. Staying over again as he still needs the bike for course.

raising money for bills

2008-07-06T02:45:08Z

Auctions
These peices are originals, the only waiting time is for the item in the post max two weeks for international post.

On furbuy
Coloured early works:
Okapi girl A4 size http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004441.html
Pic of my early character WildWind A4 size http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004442.html

Adult (for nudity and suggestion)
(inked) Eleventyfive my cyborg fennec girl A3 sized http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004396.html
(sketch) Tied up kitty (playful) A4 sized http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004439.html
(sketch) Prey becomes preditor rabbit & cat A4 sized http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004440.html
(inked sketch)"And lo, she is mistress of my heart" first in a series of art featuring 'the riding instructor' The riding instructor unicorn A3 sized http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1004397.html

On FurBid-sf
(ballpointpen) Cyborg equine X feline and her creature pet A3 size http://www.furbid.ws/cgi-bin/auction/item.pl?item=232345859

Please bid in confidence, the larger A3 pics were taken by a camera as they are too big to scan.

If you are interested in buying any of my old art (not commissions), it never hurts to ask if I can sell it to you. I have alot of art that just sits around here and I need to clean up space, I can sell sketch lots too. If you like I can sort through everything and take photos so you can all see what the art is of.

No commissions at this point.

::edit::
Is anyone interested??

moonfeather @ 2008-07-04T21:41:00

2008-07-04T09:45:28Z

Rieyac has come over to ArWhrath's to visit and he brought an awesome dvd!

Behind the mask Liesley Vernon

We are all fans of;
American pshyco
Dexter
Sweeney todd

and other 'killer' movies.

But Behind the mask was awesome!!

If you like killer movies with stuff about the killer's mind and psycological stuff, thats the movie to see.

:)

I need to flesh out my character James a little bit more, and Fane.

I had, icecream, pepsi, pocky stuff, choc sauce, cheesecake, fish n chips.
mmmm :)

moonfeather @ 2008-07-04T10:34:00

2008-07-03T22:45:49Z

been staying over at ArWhrath heaps, mm food.
Had crap sleap, it was almost like...my body itself hurt to be inside...the bed wasnt uncomfortable my body was, I wanted to go to a body wadrobe and pick out a new one.
My brain wouldnt shut up about anxiety..and I kept hearing wierd sounds outside.

then on top of that my shoulder got better, then went bust again...I managed to finish two commissions though in that time!!!

im serious this shoulder freaking hurts, I cant snuggle up to my man at night because it hurts to stretch my arm over him, I cant lie on my side either side..so I end up on my back...usualy this is ok but I was so cold I needed to be huddled allover ArWhrath or curl up foetus style..but my friggin arm hurt when ever I moved.

*cries* im so tired :(

This has been happening on and off since I first injured it back when I was working at the supermarket in september last year, I injured the soulder badly but kept working on it to earn $ to fly to sydney, if you remember the whole thing I was flying over to turned out to be a sham but I got my event ticket money back, but the flights and hotel were non refundable.

I injured my arm for money.....and im regretting it. I'll never do such a stupid thing for money again, its either my health or stuff it. Money comes and goes, but health is either good or bad and sometimes unfixable. Money can be fixed...a fucked arm that prevents me from doing art is like...like the end of the world for me bar loosing my drawing fingers/hand/arm. I express myself through art and its like turning me involountarily mute.

:(

I can type, so I guess I can still vouch on my novel bringing in money if I ever finish it...just moving my arm from keyboard to mouse agrivates the fvcked joint.

I can do doodles but not long bouts of 4 hour drawings like im used to. I usualy can sit for up to sixhours working on art at a stretch but my wrist is then very achey and I cant do anymore for a day or so.

it just hurts too much to sleep, brush my hair, cuddle my fellah...pick up my cats...but I do some of the stuff anyway because I dont wanna feel like a cripple.

Im not sure who can help or how to explain it to my doctor.

moonfeather @ 2008-06-30T10:54:00

2008-06-29T23:03:45Z

Why did I dream about toy ponies?

because im on a forum called 'MLP Arena' as MadameMoonFeather and I waste hours and hours on that thing chatting to other My Little Pony fans, collectors, customisers and artists.

We are doing a secret swapbox at present and ive been graduly buying up ponies to put in my person's box. I bought two wrong ponies, but im getting the right ones in the mail now.
I love buying gifts for others and its been very exciting so far.

People have been posting teaser pictures and Im excited to see who got me. I hope my person likes the stuff I got for them, I still needa buy chockies and smellies too!

This also reminded me of a box swap I was doing with Katanawolf, but I needa finish colouring the last of my giftart for her and need some up to date refs :)

AND it reminded me of some other gift boxes and parcels ive been gathering together for quite a few others. Im thinking ill start mailing those off now! For those who still havent let me know thier new addresses ill email ya incase you've missed those lj posts :)

Mailing out of the 20+ commissions will commense within the next two weeks and will be such a relief to have off my shoulders.

Been drawing alot of My Little Pony art, its on bad paper and realy just doodles in a mini mini sketchbook, but its relaxing and a good break from the hard slug of commissions and fullout art trades.

so yeah
thats what ive been up to.

Also sprained my wrist on friday but it came ok by sunday ad my shoulder has been sore and slightly out of alignment for the past week, so ive not been able to anything much at all. Even moving the stupid computer mouse agitates it..but must draw and computer nngh!

moonfeather @ 2008-06-30T10:18:00

2008-06-29T22:54:50Z

was has I been up to?

The anniversary thing at my place on sun-mon-tue went alright. Flatmate went out one of the nights so we had the place to ourselves.
Watched:
Kung fu panda <-- tigress is so hot.
The wickerman <-- wtfbbqlammingtons
Cloverfeild <-- awesome!
Tried to watch spiderwick but it frustraited the hell outta us (the friggin boy, keeps doing exactly what everyone is telling him not to do..why? because its dangerous!)
Prince caspian was amazing! so dark *happyme* and Aslan was very sexamo
Had lots of fizzy drink and I made snitzel.
The next night I bought from hellspizza, a snack pizza, pork ribs, lemon chips, and a cheesecake which was $4 one eeinsy slice but tasted so much like heaven! (ironic no?) but $4? I want another! ArWhrath said save the $ and lets buy a whole cheesecake nextime instead.

Thursday night I stayed at ArWhrath's
Watched futurama movie which rocked so hard!
Friday was the night I went to my first wee furmeet (yay) nice chch furs and I had fun. I drew a few sketches, none had realy heard of me or seen my art so I kinda needed to promote myself a bit. About three said they'll contact me about commissions sometime. Im hoping soon as Ive got a $90 internet/phone bill and $60 vet bill due this week and im having trouble finding the funds out of money that doesnt exist as if it always existed all along. Dont you just love that?
So I didnt have any food on friday except some fries people gave me after thier burgerking dash.
Came home to have a few glasses of wine with ArWhrath after getting a lift back. He did very well and I was pleased, he professed a romantic bath and we had a lovely night.

Saturday night we both had to go to Reiyac's birthday dinner gathering at a wonderful Russian restaurant behind the cathedral "red square"
Delicious dishes and Pigeon milk cake is to die for! $7 a slice though but worth it! I want an entire cake for my birthday next year darnit!
Reiyac covered the extra $ as I only had $19 to work with and dishes were $20 and up. His girlfriend bought me a balieys which was awesome.

It was pissing with rain all from thurs to sunday. Reiyac taxied us back to ArWhrath's and we watched a hired movie 'Ichi the killer' a japanease movie? munted muntedness is all I can say..gore sex violence.. O.O gore..with mild S & m conontations. (sp?)

Had a huge pissy at ArWhrath because after the movie they ended up playing a ps2 game till I went to bed at 3am, he tucked me in and said he'll be there soon. I woke at 8.30am to an empty bed and the sounds of the tv then the game again. I cried a bit then got up..
I must state that me with less than 5 hours sleep = hell, im dizzy, groggy, irritable, faint. I went back into the bedroom to pack my things as I didnt feel like spending the morning watching them play games.

ArWhrath came in to check on me and I let loose how upset I was and he said "He didnt mean to" I explained that staying up after saying you are coming to bed is a personal choice, it doesnt just 'happen to you' and that Shrycull used to do it all the time and it wasnt fun, fair, or kind. I was hoping for cuddle time and with his friend over I knew that wouldf only be at bedtime. so when he didnt come to bed..I didnt get cuddles, so no reasurence and without cuddles I spiral in to feeling worthless.
Cuddles is exactly that, hugs. not sex. and hugs are important.

Rieyac left about an hour later and ArWrath was so dead he kept falling asleap so I gave him a tickle torture punishment.
I have deen diabolical this weekend though, grumpy, picky, whiney and needy. He just couldnt do anything right for some reason. But I have every right to ask for a blanket if im cold, ask for a cup of tea if hes making himself one, ask for food if im hungry (he doesnt realy eat as hes a smoker so I have to remind him that i get hungry, and I dont like helping myself to his food. If he makes me something, I know what im alowed to eat)

So I nearly went to leave but he got upset so I stayed and tried to watch Tinman on my laptop whilst he snoozed, he said 3-4 hours. But I fell asleap too. 4 and a half hours later I woke up saw the time and woke him to say I was going. He nearly went to sleep again but I forced him to get up to see me off (it might seem cruel, but its not nice to leave without saying goodbye)
So I biked home as it finaly wasnt raining either, as my housemate wasnt to be home and I was going to hang out with the cats so they wouldnt be alone.

I came home to parcels!

I hadnt eaten allday so she made me some miso soup with fish and that was awesome, I love soup. Then I had some gingerbread ice cream (mmmm)
and ArWhrath called me. He complained about not having teabags (drinks tea like a fish, I worry about his hydration as tea dehydrates and the body needs fresh water)and he said he was thinking of pizza (I got a free complimentry garlic bread and cola thingger ticket as they messed up an order two weeks ago) but when he called the pizza place they were closed. So he invited me over to cook me dinner.

Turns out Darebear my flatmate decided not to go out, so I could go back to ArWrath's, I also had a photoshoot thingger to do with this brother mondat (today) for his art class. So it made sense to stay over and bike from there (which is half the distance than biking from my place)
ArWhrath said he was doing another all-nighter as he didnt want to get to the first day of his new course late.
I said as long if its ok to fall asleap in your lap then im ok with it, I just dont wanna sleep in the bed alone. So it was agreed.

I fell asleap as predicted and drempt of toy my little ponies...why? ill say in another post :)

So its monday, ArWhrath left for his course hours ago after making me a morning tea. Ive had a shower and am drying off my hair before having to change and bike into town...I have no bike lock and I hope my bike doesnt get stolen whilst im doing the photos.

Im wasting time just checking emails n such.

moonfeather @ 2008-06-22T17:32:00

2008-06-22T05:36:50Z

ArWhrath is due any second now.
We are celebrating our 10th month anniversary as we missed the 6th month (a biggie for him it seems) We have been inlove for a long time however and been friends for four years.
Im planning something for our year long milestone :)

Tried to curl my hair but it didnt dry properly so its flat at the back.
Might share on youtube..its silly but nice to show a different hairstyle.

Im planning to get it professionaly dyed a redish chestnut hue, and get it permed..loose curl or tight..not sure yet. Gotta save to pay for it though Im estimating it at $200 +

Well im going to be busy the next 48 hours so buhbye.

moonfeather @ 2008-06-22T15:36:00

2008-06-22T03:42:06Z

I want to get away from the internet for a while, finish these last wee commissions and just gather myself again.

Im tired of being on the internet so much, tired of the struggle of trying to keep online friends. I just, Im going to stop bothering them, I know im more of a nuisence than fun to talk to.
Half the time im wondering if some people are my friends just to get art.
Im not a machine, I dont just crank out pictures. Every peice has a bit of me in it..blood sweat and tears.

I havent drawn any fullon art for me in such a long time, Ive only doodled as everyone seems to get so upset if I do something for myself.

I'll mail out those gift packages as promised, as I dont go back on my word.

Im just so exhausted with it all, im sorry guys, I was never any good at making friends at school and the internet is no exception. I just dont have the right people-skills. Im just too shy to keep up a conversation, and If im all excited and hyperactive/happy, I scare them away.

I cant win.

So yeah, im going to give it a rest, give me a rest.

nuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ebay! Cheetah plush!

2008-06-20T09:16:08Z

I want it so bad!!

Supper fluffy cheetah cub plush

I want it lookit that long cuddly cute furr! so realistic too.
*shakes fist at ebay*

moonfeather @ 2008-06-20T14:09:00

2008-06-20T02:14:07Z

arrrgh!!

FA!!! you are retarded! you have had more downtimes this year than NASA!!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

404 file not found..for what..your main page????

Ive got contact with FA only commissioners there, that I dont have contact with outside of FA
If this site goes down, there will be alot of unhappy campers!

just

urgh!

give it a rest?? ok???

updates

2008-06-18T05:19:52Z

Im feeling much better now, home with my Footkitty on my lap.
Toes are frozen and I have no idea where the 5 bar heater has walked off too.

I wanna let you all know im going to the NZ furcon im palmerston north this year with my old housemate Cabbit/Lopfe'.

Im making badges for her and Zarathus, I might make one for nipper if hes going :)

Ill be bringing a nice new sketchbook, (purr never been drawn in before) Anyone interested in me bringing prints? if not ill just have fun drawing with other artists (its always so fun)

Im also, going to make a fursuit! yaaay lol
Im trying to find a nice small pair of antlers for my mask, but I cant buy any off ebay as I think it might be illegal to have antlers/horns posted into NZ. Can anyone clarify this?

Ive got hooves in the works and reseaching prices and types of fabric..im thinking stretch velvit and airbrushing the markings. Dare's dad has an airbrush machine we can borrow and ive had a wee play with it. Ive got a tail, but finding it hard to make it stand out, not be limp.
Ive got a bodysuit ill be using for the pattern.

Needed:
(pref stretch velvet)
Yellow/gold
Blue/pale blue
White/creame
Long black/white furr for on head and in ears, maybe elbows.
More masking tape
Foam/sponge
bigcat nose
Feline eyes (I have some but are very budget)
sneakers (small soles for inside hooves)
Not sure what to use for hair..real hair wig or real horsehair, or crappy wigg hair?

So I got 4 and a bit months to make this :)

moonfeather @ 2008-06-16T14:29:00

2008-06-16T02:59:13Z

its definately me

I flipped out lastnight...over nothing it seems...I think exhaustion hit me hard and I didnt have my nights allocation of cuddles.

I hit rock bottem and it was not fun...kept poor ArWhrath up as I threatened to sleep in the spare room as I couldnt push-bike home at 3am.

Ive been like this before, but the stupid medication is magnifying it threefold.
He doesnt deserve this, not one bit.

He ended up talking with me in the dark on the couch...I told him honestly that cuddles are the only cure...I can be so messed up..then get a careing hug-glomp and I feel so much better.
Wtf is wrong with me?

I can be mad and stay mad if hes asleap/phone/text but the moment hes in my face with cuddles and watching and snuggles and his beautiful voice..I melt.

Its like a twisted version of beauty and the beast.

I came to bed and fell asleap with him holding me tight. The previous night we had talked about babies and he wants 12 and I got all scared and ended up bursting into tears. I felt so stupid..but the thought of being pregnant tht long, the painful birth 12 times..scared the stuffing outta me and I got all wibbly.
He apologised for scaring me though...I was guna bike over for a hug but it was midnight and I suddenly flet like id been hit by a mack truck.

I think..these past 3 weeks of being there for ArWhrath over the anniversary of his mother's death, the funeral of his uncle..then the funeral of a friend on saturday...totaly washed me out..I was giving so much support and being there for him..that I felt empty and suddenly uncared for myself.

So
I broke lastnight..

I dont think any of you realize either...how messed up I feel over father's day.
My Real dad left when I was three. I met him a few times when I was Seven. Then last I heard from him was a Birthday card on my Eleventh Birthday.
I had a stepdad from age 3 to 13...but he scared me alot...and left for my mum's best friend when I was 13.
Mum then dated and re married when I was 18.
My only 'Father Figure' I look up to is my Grandad who helped raise me whilst my mum was away working...him and nan had me over every weekend untill nan got unwell and went into a home. Grandad visited her every day for lunch and dinner/evening.
Nan died lastyear as you know and the 1yr anniversary isin nov...same month that the 3yr anniversary of Shrycull's death is.

Now im close to Grandad...but its not the same as having a father from the word go, a strong sturdy unwavering presence to guide and protect...someone to call 'Dad' and know its dad not a stepdad or grandad....It hurts alot..and I dont talk about it much.
I cant watch Family movies about fathers and sons as it makes me feel so left out..

Like...well I can watch it because it makes me think of what I could of had..The Lion King with Mufasa and Simba.

Ive had men treat me like meat, like dirt, like nothing and nobody all my life...I think im over-reacting with ArWhrath though...hes been the kindest to me out of everyone...but I guess I want more than what is usualy expected?
I dont have to hear 'I love you' or'your beautiful' or 'your sexy' as long as I get cuddles and kisses.....:( Im very affectionate to those I love who are close to me.

Cabbit and Mistress know this.
Cuddles make everything bad go away and I feel like such a child sayng that, but its true.
I feel in some way I never grew up.
Thats probibly the hardest thing to admit..but I like the innocent things in life sometimes..then its violently balenced by an extreame like of things like vampires, killers, torture devices and the erotic.

Its like im in constant turmoil between the two...
Unicorns, fairies, cartoons, imagination, nevernever land, toy horses, dressups
and
Death, vampires, torture, killers, blackness, stalking, erotic/lust (and at times I cant look at or talk about any of these as it can scare/disgust me)

the only greyzone I can see is my love of Sci-Fi, photography and art O.O

urgh im rambling
I just..dont get it?
Is it because ive always had the extreameties of the two going hand in hand with me through life? Loving pure innocence and trying to see the beauty of life whilst gazing into the starlit sky. Then at the same time being molested by a person I thought I could trust because he said he was a traning monk?
Is it that I was shyly in a relationship and I dreamed about romance and woo-ing, whist I gave over my body because he wouldnt stop bugging me to?

*rubs face in hands*
Perhaps so

But that is in the past yes?
So why do I still have freak outs at ArWhrath...if I dont get a hug?
Im so confused.
Its true I dont get alone time with him, and his brothers are alwas there as he lives with them..and sometimes I cant be bothered conversing with them...I just want to quietly glomp my Man and not talk at all?
Im just causing him too much stress with my outrageous behaviour.

Perhaps..its this, that causes men to treat me this way.??

moonfeather @ 2008-06-12T21:08:00

2008-06-12T09:13:03Z

been suffering from toothache the past three days. I havent slept very well, cant concentrate on anything. Taken painkillers but they only last a few hours.
It sucks.

oh well, its my own fault.

Sitting here at ArWhrath's, with a bird in my hand that I saved from the cat....I think it's injured at the shoulderblade and hip..no punctures...
Its alert'ish.

*sigh*

Contemplating commissioning someone to transform my baity MLP into soe pony designs and ideas in my head.

Then I remembered.
No spare $$ for treats.

Dont fear Felix, your $$ is still going on food :)
Darebear and I managed to pay off the bill on deadline...what a relief!!

Saw AvP2...sexamo sexamo Xenos! *hurrrr*

Indepth of who ArWhrath is and what he is to me.

2008-06-09T11:19:16Z

officialy, I had up till now, spent 10 days straight with ArWhrath sleeping in the same bed and in constant company.

He didnt want me to go home today.

It has been a wild two weeks but things are slowly straightening out.
I feel the 'winds of change' blowing. and its ok :)

hes been very expressive, contemplative and thoughtful. We sat around most of the time drinking tea, watching movies and talking life.

I want you guys to know..hes only a drunk when around drink. The rest of the time hes great...eg he only used to talk about drinking in the weekend and only one night...its just when he does drink it just goes on and on that night.

He drinks Dilmah tea like a fish lol
Hes not agressive ever!! I must state that, not even when drunk, infact when drunk he just gets chatty and flirty. But you cant hold a conversation with him and have him rememer it or the weekend. And bad hangovers.

Hes kind, gentle, passionate, contemplative, warm, funny, inventive, intuative and more.
I know I only state the bad points, and I know I shouldn't do that.

I need to help paint a picture for you verbally of another side of him, the side I love and realy the drinking is only a small blot that he's willing to wipe out completely for me.

Hes also trying to give up cigarettes for me, I will from now on try tell you of our fun times together. We've had trouble getting to sleep because we'd be craching jokes, we have tickle-fights. He plays the guitar and is working on a fantasy novel.

He loves cuddling and making noisey squeeky kisses on my cheek, hes been trying to find a PC game that we can play together possibly LAN, keeps asking what sorts of things I like.
He said he'd be willing to try some IM rp-ing lol

He mentioned he has a plan/idea to do with My Little ponies as he knows I collect them, but hes not giving away any secrets and he has me so curious XD

We have never been on a date but thats because he is Studying computer stuff and when you're a student everyone knows, it means $$ for anything is zero lol
But Im planning that we cn go out to dinner oneday.

He loves his cats and they share the bed with us when I stay over and has no qualms about my cats hopping into bed when he stays over here.
He adores the wheel of time books, opera, theatre and things like that.

Im not sure what you'd like to know...but hes NOT a bumbling drunkard, thats not the picture of him I wanted to paint.
I love him dearly he is my Prince and I am his Queen and we have a connection beyond words.